Heisenberg's Irony Principle

By Sir Titus Titmouse

Werner Heisenberg is most famous for his Uncertainty Principle, which states limits to the information inhering in certain elemental groups of physical properties, such that the more precisely one property is known, the less precisely another can be known. This relates to a general unpredictability of events on the atomic scale, and a minimum level of entropy for the universe in general. Life is messy, and in general the degree of entropy is higher than the minimum predicted by the uncertainty principle.

Heisenberg later performed a series of experiments that he controversially claimed demonstrated a sort of quasi-meta-predictability (or as he called it, an "ironic quality") to the entropy of causal sequences. In classical physical theory, unlikely phenomena are by nature unpredictable. Heisenberg postulated that the most improbable events are in fact highly predictable in highly specific circumstances. In particular, highly improbable events tend to cluster around what he called Forbidden Sequences; this tendency he formulated mathematically, and named his formula the Ironic Principle.

"Irony" in this sense is technical jargon, and does not correspond to the layman's use of the word to describe disparities and incongruities which underscore Man's vanity and folly, or, in Southern Canada, as a synonym for insincerity, sarcasm and coincidence.

Forbidden Sequences are chains of events which should, in the classical theory of cause-and-effect, be highly probable, but in reality never quite seem to work out the way they're meant to. If one drops a rubber ball one expects it to bounce, but if that ball bouncing at that moment would constitute a Forbidden Sequence, then it is far more likely that some highly unpredictable event such as a lightning strike, meteor impact or sudden Fimbulwinter will prevent the ball from bouncing.

Heisenberg postulated that Forbidden Sequences are highly probable, and are narrowly averted by Ironic events on a near-daily basis. When the Ironic Principle is formulated in terms of McMasterson's Multiversal Calculus, we find a Probability Force (an attractive force which pulls our universe towards classically stable causalities), which is balanced against an Ironic Exclusion Principle (a force that prevents our universe from entering Paradoxes, which are classically stable but meta-unstable causal loops).

Heisenberg's notes indicate that Lowenstein-Wagner anomalies may be a common feature of Forbidden Sequences. How Heisenberg knew of the existence of Lowenstein-Wagner anomalies fifty years before The Carnegie Hall Incident remains a mystery.

Unfortunately, Heisenberg's experiments cannot be reproduced without first knowing what specifically constitutes a Forbidden Sequence, and he never told anyone before his untimely death during a press conference. His last words, before he was struck by lightning, hit by a bus, blasted into McNuggets by a meteor, crushed by a falling piano and freeze-dried by a sudden Fimbulwinter, were "Don't you get it, you fools? It's the secret of time tra".

Surviving researchers have had only inconclusive results, but it is generally found that if the Ironic Principle were true, then the string of improbable deaths and other unlikely events surrounding believers in the conspiracy theories of The Crystal Something or Other, APEX, ZENITH, NADIR, and so on would seem to be associated with a handful of particularly persistent Forbidden Sequences.

Conspiracy theorists ironically maintain that this supposed law of physics is really just a cover for the conspiracies and myths born of their fevered imaginations.

See: Fimbulwinter of 1949, McMasterson's Multiversal Calculus, Lowenstein-Wagner anomaly, Crystal Something or Other, The, The Carnegie Hall Incident, Invisible hands theory of economics


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