King Crab

By Little Bit Bigelow

King Crab is the most famous restaurant in the world. Or maybe the most infamous. Let me explain.

The sixties were a crazy time. All at once, everyone seemed to decide to stop going forward and go backwards instead. Businessmen, politicians, even streetcorner preachers were all looking to old theories for new ideas. I did quite a hot trade in phony ancient tomes that were usually just beat-up novelizations of Bollywood films printed in Russian. Down in Antarctica, I heard that camps of Veni Vidi were infesting the cities. Around here, suddenly everyone was talking about the Backhand Theory of Economics and starting experimental currencies and businesses. (Some of those currencies were right easy to counterfeit, too. I bought my first motorbike with Swiss Brots. Those were the days.) One of the craziest stunts was when that Australian chap started his own island off the British coast. He bought the oceanspace sight unseen and hired someone to build a floating island there. He was going to open his own penal colony there. Then he found out that the water was shallow enough that you could walk back to the mainland without getting your dingleberries damp. That was the end of that idea.

The place was deserted for a few years, until Chef Luigi leased it and opened King Crab, a Mongolian-Italian fusion restaurant. The food was awful—still is—but the fact that the island technically didn't fall under any country's jurisdiction turned it into a hot spot. I worked there a few times myself, when I was hard up for cash and needed to get out from under the eye of Justice for a while. I guess the owner got his penal colony after all, what with having an island full of criminals. The only difference is these criminals can leave whenever they want—if they aren't laid up with food poisoning.

What makes King Crab really famous is that there have been more assassination attempts there than anywhere else. I know this because I read it in a magazine just last week. Here's the list that was in the article.

Notable assassination attempts include:

The funny part is, nobody's ever died at the King Crab, not after being startled, poisoned, stabbed, or assaulted. Not even after eating the food. I don't know if it's in the air or the water, but there's something funny about that place. It's an island that death can't seem to touch. If I had my druthers, I'd buy the King Crab and turn it into a pilgrimage site. But the owner, whoever he is, won't sell. Not for all the counterfeit Brots in the world.

See: Backhand Theory of Economics, Hillary Clinton, Oscar Wilde, Objectivist Russia, Veni Vidi


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